note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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