Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
