eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
