She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
