i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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