so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
