I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
