what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
