This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
