he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
