Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
