Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
