You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
