this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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