...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
