So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
