After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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