I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
