I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
