Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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