It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
