I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
