the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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