I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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