You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
