Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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