You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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