I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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