i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
