U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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