Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
