Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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