She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
