Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
