I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
