I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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