I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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