But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
