After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
