My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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