I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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