the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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