woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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