Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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