Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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