if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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