don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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