Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
