Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
