it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
