Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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